Have you ever felt like you'd bleed yourself out for someone, but knew that they would never do the same for you? I don't want people to martyr themselves over my heart and I don't think anyone should be fawned over that much but it happens.

Waiting on an inevitable crash and burn is probably more painful than the aftermath of the flames.

Keys and Things

I am holding a key. It's on a chain and it's one of the most amazing keys I have ever seen. The implications of this key are huge and I haven't failed to take notice of that, or to think about what it could mean down the road. Maybe one day I will have to return it. I have another key. It's small and it's on a chain that I lost. Perhaps it's for the better that that small token I was given oh so long ago has disappeared along with the note that came with it. I won't lie, I miss it dearly even though it didn't look quite right. These things can be bulky and for one such as myself who often doesn't wear any sort of pendant around my neck it looked out of place. But it's always the thought that counts.

This key is uncarved and untainted and possibly stolen but I don't really care. It's a fresh start which I have needed for so many years now. Perhaps my heart can begin the healing process but I will always feel threatened and betrayed. I will always wonder when I will be left behind next and for who and I will always hate that person who gained everything I lost and it will make me want to kill both them at myself. But for now I sit and wait and try to enjoy the late nights and inevitable smiles. The shaking and the breathing. The quickened pulse, the small gifts of light, the heavy conversations, the holding of hands and every other beautiful thing that comes from something that we still haven't managed to squeeze dry. Thank God.

Thank God for my heart still having the capacity to feel, even though all this time I have been trying so hard to block out every emotion other than anger.

I am doing my best God. Well not my best, but I think I am getting there. I just want to make someone proud with my strength.

And So It Begins.

I thought that in my first entry I might write something profound or heartwrenching to catch people's attention. I also thought about telling a funny story, or writing a piece of poetry, or making an attempt at being "moving," but being that I am hungry and do not have time, I will do none of these above things. Come on back for when I update. I'm sure you'll be utterly fascinated.